stripesdontmakeyoustraight:

If you ever think you did something embarrassing just remember that I had a really hot waiter one time and i was gonna order double pepperoni pizza but I looked him dead in the eye and accidentally asked for double penetration pizza in front of my whole family

(via 0utbox)

sewbergamzee:

tuucker:

when youre walking past a dead body in a horror game and it suddenly comes back to life

image

Oh my god you can almost hear the pug’s screams. 

(via perks-of-being-chinese)

krisbuscus:

bandsdidyoumeanlife:

bandsdidyoumeanlife:

If an intruder ever comes to fucking murder you. You throw your mother fucking head back pull your arms in weird shapes and whip your head forward again and say the anti crist has awoken whilst smiling the biggest smile you have ever made. no smart person would ever fuck around with you if you did that.

STOP REBLOGGING THIS PLEASE ABORT MISSION ABORT MISSION

I HAVE NEVER LAUGHED SO HARD IN MY LIFFFEEE

(via arcticmornkeys)

dutchster:

so umm there was
wait
uhh there was this
umm so there was this girl
wait 
never mind
- me telling a story

(via happiest)

staff:

fake-mermaid:

i’m so sorry but if you have “works at tumblr” on your facebook profile no hard feelings man but stay as far away from me as u possibly can

rude

(via thatshomosexual)

jonsterzmonsterz:

image

dis fuckin bitch

(via fake-mermaid)